Gut Pageant

I wasn’t going to write about Barbara Ann. Because I was just peripheral. I heard what happened because her sister Janice called me to see if I could help her find Keir. Otherwise, I suppose I would’ve seen Ralph’s blog and then eventually asked him about it. Fortunately Ralph, who has become a really good friend to me, has been there to help me navigate what is a large and complex web of connections.

These connections can form between people who are only vaguely acquainted. Then they may get stronger or weaker, depending on lots of things, time being one of the most prominent.

So back to Barbara Ann. When she died, my connection to her was weak, and no time left to strengthen it. You’d think that would be the end. But something else went to work after that. I heard her speak. A week or so ago, about 3 months after she died, Barb’s husband Ernie and the theatre company they had both founded put on an event. It was called Barbara Ann’s Visions of Electric Perturbia. Her art would be on display and three of her plays would be performed at the Katherine Gianaclis Park for the Arts (KGPA). The same place, incidentally, where Barbara had lived, and died.

I was told that the place used to be a bookstore/restaurant. I arrived there and passed through what would’ve been the park/yard, an area covered with pieces of art, and assorted junk, and met up with Janice. She showed me, and Karen, another friend of hers, around the house. There was a small living room type space with old furniture such as a bunch of students might have: salvaged from curbsides, held together with tape. The most notable thing about the room was that it was covered with art. Paintings, photographs, signs, stickers and numerous other items covered the walls, even the ceiling. The kitchen was a small L-shaped counter with no stove in the corner of the room leading into the hall. A small kitchen tile plaque hung on the wall next to the counter. It said “Barbara’s Kitchen.”

A step down from here led into the hall, an addition added at a later time to connect the original house to the space that was now the theatre. “That was Barb’s room,” Janice told us, indicating a closed door on the left. She said that someone else was living in there now, and it was locked probably to keep the cats from getting out. On the door to the room hung Barbara’s painting of a giraffe. Janice said that Barb had seen the giraffe in a dream and called the painting “Morning Visitor.” Many of Barb’s other paintings were on display both in the hall and throughout the areas which the residents used as both their living and creative space. These spaces also functioned as a back stage area since walking through a black curtain in a doorway left you on stage.

The black box theatre took up the majority of the building. It contained most of what used to be the restaurant and bookstore. Assorted chairs and old church pews made up the seating. A pair of sofas sat as a boundary between the stage and the rest of the room. Just inside the fortress of sofas, a row of footlights lined the stage and cast light upon it. The sofas, I soon found, served as seating as well as a boundary. Audience members could sit there and watch the actors as if they were looking into someone else’s living room.

More people filed in to look at the art and attend the plays. It got crowded so after making several rounds of the place, viewing all the paintings and other items which were placed as tributes to Barbara, I finally took a seat in one of the pews and waited for the plays to start. Janice, her mom, and her aunt were sitting in the row in front of me. Music was playing and an actress was already on stage, getting into character. She was wearing what looked like pajamas and swinging a large swathe of fabric, perhaps a blanket or a sheet. She sat in the back corner of the stage, on a couch that was part of the set. She alternately sat very still and then moved as if agitated, waving the fabric in front of her or behind her or over her head.

After about 30 minutes, the first play was about to begin. It was called “Visionary.” Some appropriate music played as Ernie turned the house lights down and the footlights illuminated the actress on stage. She performed what was essentially a one-man show. Her character was in a dialogue with a psychiatrist (off stage) in a mental institution where she was detained after committing a crime. We only hear her portion of the dialogue. The actress gave an intense performance, luring the audience into the world of her character. In the dark, it didn’t matter that we were sitting in this makeshift space on mismatched cushions in a building with an unpleasant smell and that may very well have been unsafe.

The other two plays that I saw featured other actors and actresses whom also lived there at the KGPA. The performances were all good. I enjoyed them. But what struck me most was how much I learned from hearing Barbara’s words. She said so much through these characters who were in situations ranging from the mundane to the bizarre. And what she said, it seemed to explain everything. And nothing. Why did Barbara take her own life? I still don’t know. But I do know a few things. She felt deeply and expressed herself every way she knew how. She was greatly loved, and yet it did not prevent her from seeing the darkness. It did not protect her from the knowledge of it. It did not soothe her distress at the unfathomable sadness that people cause each other. And it did not help her reconcile the incongruity of modern life; a culture of war and of art; of spiritual pursuits and of mindless diversion; of social obligation and of freedom; and of kindness and peace and of evil.

At certain points I could hear the responses to the lines spoken. I could hear laughter and also crying from around me. I thought about Janice in front of me, and how hard it must be for her to hear what Barb was saying, even though she wanted more than anything to hear it all.

When the third play ended, Ernie turned on the lights and invited everyone to stick around and hear a band play or to go get beer at the gas station next door, or to just hang out in the yard. I wandered, eyes moist, outside. I’d gotten hot sitting in the theatre, and now I stood by a tree breathing in the night air. People were gathered around a table, or standing in groups. I was by myself, making figures in the dirt with the toe of my shoe, and tears were beginning to run down my face. A few people I’d been introduced to waved as they left, saying it was nice meeting me. I did my best to respond in kind and not appear all choked up even though I was. I tried looking up at the stars, keeping my eyes open wide so they could benefit from the breeze. Soon Janice appeared, chatting with another friend. I didn't want to disturb her; I just wanted to say a quick good night, but when she passed me she said, “Wait, I’ll be right back.” After walking some friends out to their cars and speaking with a few other people in the yard, she returned to ask me what I thought of the plays. I said I found them stirring. I was still crying, but smiling at the same time. Janice said that it had been intense for her, very emotional. There were a lot of things, moments in the plays, that struck a chord. I told her that I hadn’t known that Barb was a writer as well as an actress and painter. She said that Barb wrote prolifically and that even though she didn’t finish a lot of works meant for public performance, it was as natural to her as swimming to a fish. She just did everything creative. She also said that she had all of Barb’s journals on a shelf in her house and that even though she hadn't looked at them all yet, she knows that one day she will read every word.

“I wish I could’ve known her,” I said quietly. “Yeah, well,” Janice said, her voice rising slightly, “I just wanted to say to her, ‘Fuck, Barb. Why’d you go and do something like that?’ Now it’s too late; no one else will ever have that chance to know her.” She was quiet for a few moments then she said, “I’m glad you came though, and got something out of it. Barb touched pretty much everyone she met.” I agreed. “Plus, there will always be those connections…” I said, trailing off in my inarticulateness. “Yes, exactly,” Janice said, understanding anyway.

Janice made another trip out to the cars, to escort some other friends, and I followed. I bid her good night and as I drove home, I thought about connections and how it seemed new ones had been made. Stronger ones. Even though she was gone, Barbara was still helping these connections form.

A Beautiful Book

One week ago I received my new Amazon Kindle e-book reader, the Kindle 2. When the original Kindle came out I was intrigued and eager to learn more. I thought the idea of it was cool. I had looked at e-readers before. The Sony model had been on display at Borders already for some time. But I didn't know a lot about the file formats. Could any book be made into an e-book? Did you have to download them to your computer and then put them on your device? How did all that work and was it really better than just a good old hardcover or paperback?

After some investigation, I found that Amazon's device had the added functionality of direct wireless download of reading materials. No computer necessary. The wireless service was included, no service plan or per download charge. These were definite benefits the Kindle seemed to have over Sony's or other devices on the market. This, plus the ability to carry hundreds of books with you in this slim handy device seemed a book lover's dream. Of course if you're like I am, and usually don't attempt to read more than one book at a time, is this really better than just keeping the book you are reading in your purse so you always have it with you? Well, it is if it's only available in a bulky hardcover. Or if you're traveling and don't want to carry more than one book, and you are worried about having enough reading material for the whole journey.

The wireless delivery capability also allows for subscriptions to newspapers and magazines as well as selected blogs. Amazon's Kindle store offers these subscriptions. The newspapers and magazine subscriptions service seems handy. Especially for publications that are not graphics intensive. I have a few papers and mags in mind that I'm thinking of getting this way, but haven't yet. I can imagine the convenience of not having to deal with all the cumbersome newsprint or magazines piling up in your recycling bin which is only picked up once every two weeks. Amazon backs up your purchases online and for subscriptions will archive several back issues under your account.

As for blogs, I can't really see the advantage of paying Amazon to send a blog to your device. Apparently they have versions of "The Onion" and other popular blogs that are formatted especially for reading on the Kindle. But if you just wait to read them online, they are free. I found a way around this by visiting a couple of the many online forums devoted to e-book readers in general and the Kindle specifically. Forum users are full of ideas and resources for securing free content. A free service called Feedbooks allows you to package RSS feeds for single or multiple blogs you read regularly into a "newspaper" which you can transfer to your Kindle via USB and update wirelessly each day. Feedbooks also has a catalog of free and low cost books for download. Many other sites like this exist. In some cases there may be a format conversion needed depending on the type of e-book file they have available. The Kindle's native AZW format is very similar and compatible with mobipocket files (.prc or .mobi). There are at least 2 dozen other formats. It seems easy enough to figure out how to convert them even if you're only slightly tech savvy.

There are plenty of free and low cost books available in Amazon's Kindle store as well. Just search Kindle books by lowest price. As of today, there are 7000 results. Loads of the classics are available for free since the material is public domain. I started my Kindle reading experience with Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, a perpetual favourite, just to initiate myself into the feel of reading on the Kindle. The novel was as wonderful as it always is.

So as for the reading experience on the Kindle, I'm very happy with it so far. The device does the obvious things like saving your place in the book and allowing you to return to it easily. You can add your own bookmark, or use the wireless to sync to the furthest page you read. Amazon backs this up for you as well as any notations or highlighted sections you mark.

I like that you can read one handed, turning the page with a gentle pressure on the next page or prev page button. The e-ink technology causes the screen to blink quickly as the ink from that page is cleared and the ink from the next page is placed. It reminds me a bit of an Etch-a-Sketch, but you get used to it quickly and it becomes barely noticable. The choice of 6 font sizes makes readability a cinch. I've been told that the largest font is comparable to about 20 pt. I find the 3rd largest font most comfortable since the larger font you use, the more you have to turn the page. The 6 inch display is about 3/4 the length of a typical paperback page. Other e-readers like the Sony expand the display to take up more of the device's size, and rely upon touch screen controls. I would rather not have touch screen on the reading surface because of fingerprints, so I appreciate Amazon's choice to keep the screen at 6 inches and include a physical qwerty keyboard to search for books, make notes, type URLs etc. The screen itself is very nice to read on as it's not backlit and therefore glare free!

The thing I find hardest to adjust to so far is the page numbering. Kindle books don't use page numbers. It would be problematic of course because changing the size of the font would re-paginate the whole text. Instead, the Kindle uses location numbers. A scroll bar along the bottom of the display shows current location, total locations in the book, and notes your percentage of completion as you progress in your reading. When you set a bookmark, the device records it by location number, and you can easily return to that location by using the Go to location option on the menu. Still, I've always been one of those people who mentally notes the page number as I go along. As in "10 more pages and I'll go to bed," or "I'm 100 pages in and I can't put it down!" It's a hard habit to break. Now I find myself watching the percentage ("I'm 25% of the way through...") and it's just not the same.

Aside from the basic reading experience, the Kindle has a bunch of other nifty features that aren't strictly necessary, but cool. It has a built in dictionary. If you come across a word you aren't familiar with, you can look it up by moving your cursor to it and clicking. The definition will appear in short across the bottom of the display, so you can check it out and keep reading, or you can click through to the full display of the definition, and see all the meanings and other info. If you come across a foreign word, proper name or other reference that isn't in the dictionary, you can look it up using the Kindle's basic web browser on Google or Wikipedia. The Kindle browser bookmark menu has links to these as well as a handful of other useful sites. You can also enter a URL for other sites of your choosing. But I wouldn't say the browser is all that handy for web surfing. It's kind of slow, and images don't work so well in the greyscale. I'd just as soon wait until I have a wi-fi connection and use my iPod Touch or my laptop. I'm sure they will improve it in future versions, but it's definitely not a reason to buy the Kindle 2. In the menu it's listed under "Experimental" features, so the developers want to make sure we aren't expecting perfection there anyway. Another "Experimental" feature is the Text-to-Speech option. The Kindle will read to you. The choice of male or female voices both sound kind of robotic, but it works in a pinch if you want to close your eyes for a bit. And also, it will play audio books. And Mp3 files. Both nifty, but not necessary. My favourite of these features is definitely the dictionary. Stopping to look up a word is something I have done, and will probably do more often now.

As a lifelong lover of books, I've been following with interest discussions of the Kindle and other e-readers and their potential to supplant physical books completely. I can confidently say this will not happen. Not any time soon, and probably not ever. The reasons are fairly obvious to me, but in the interest of being specific:

1. E-ink cannot do color, yet. Illustrations and photography are still a negligible part of the e-book experience. The Kindle displays a selection of author portraits in greyscale as a screensaver when the device is asleep (see photo). I'm sure they are working on color, but even so, this is never going to replace a huge coffee table art book, a beautifully illustrated children's book or comic.

2. A physical book does not require batteries or a power cord. Yes, the battery life in the Kindle is good, 4 days with wireless on, up to two weeks with wireless turned off. Common sense applies here. I turn mine off at night, and let it sleep with wireless off if I put it down for a while. So I haven't tested it to see if it lasts 2 weeks on a charge. But yeah, books still win on this one.

3. A physical book, as an object, can be a work of art. The tactile nature of reading one will remain appealing. Picking one up, flipping through it, turning it over in your hands, I can't imagine not having that. A beautiful copy of a favorite book will always be a good investment (both in my hard earned dollars and in shelf space). For example, I purchased along with my Kindle, a hardcover copy of Neil Gaiman's Newbery Award winning "The Graveyard Book." Gaiman is a favorite author and I own copies of many of his books. Presently, works such as his "Sandman" series of comics cannot be replicated on the Kindle. And when I met Mr. Gaiman this past November, he couldn't have autographed and sketched in an e-book as he did in my physical copy (see below) :)


4. A physical book can be shared or passed along to someone else once it's read. Kindle's can share books within a single account. For instance if you have more than one Kindle in the household, but otherwise, no.

Anyway, this isn't meant to be a comprehensive review of the device, or an argument for or against it. I happen to think the Kindle and physical books will co-exist just fine. From what I can tell from the online communities I have visited, members of the Kindle Kulture (not my word) would agree with me. These are just some thoughts on my experience so far.

(S)he Thought of Cars

Growing up in New York, I'd never really been a car person. In fact when I was old enough to get my learner's permit, I put it off because my dad had just been in a bad car accident and the sight of his smashed up truck in the driveway scared me off. I tore up the driver's manual and that was that.

By the time I was 19, I was in the Army, stationed at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. My 1SG wanted me to be his driver when we went to the field. I had to admit that I had never learned to drive. He suggested I go to a driving school in the area, and there I took lessons in a Ford Bronco II. My instructor got me through the tests and I received my first license in the state of Colorado. I completed the qualification for my military license, and soon after the driver's side of the 1SG had vinyl letters stuck along the base of the windshield reading PFC Nieves. So in a way my first car was a HMMWV or Hummer. It was the 2 seater with the soft-covered rear cargo area, like this one:











My first few experiences as a driver were not especially promising. Shortly after assuming the position of 1SG's driver, I accidentally rolled my parked vehicle into a the civilian vehicle of a newly arrived S3 Captain. The parking brake was a bit loose it turned out, so it was not entirely my fault. But I did have to apologize to the Captain and take remedial drivers' training.

While still at Fort Carson, I considered buying a civilian car for myself. In fact I went with a couple of my platoon mates to the local Toyota dealer where I test drove a gray Corolla. It was a fine economical car. I had a steady income being in the military. But in the end I decided not to embark upon years of car payments after I had just learned to drive.

A PCS to Darmstadt, Germany brought additional driver training. Especially since my unit convoys occasionally traveled via the Autobahns amidst the civilian drivers who enjoyed travel without speed limits. Our convoys were required to travel at the speed of 55 mph with a full vehicle distance between each vehicle. The German civilians took advantage of our slow and steady movements by changing lanes, zipping in and out and passing our vehicles two and three at a time. It definitely made me nervous. After all driving for the 1SG at Fort Carson mostly just required driving downrange on the base, with little traffic and few obstacles.

With the fantastic public transportation available in Europe, I never even considered buying a car while overseas, so another few years went by before I took the plunge. After leaving the military, I finally found the need to get a car when I moved to Santa Barbara for college. California, and the west coast in general is very much a car culture. Getting anywhere usually required a freeway of some sort. While Santa Barbara did have a mostly convenient bus system and network of bike paths, sometimes you just needed to have a car. I also had a dog, and though she wasn't large, she was big enough that I couldn't sneak her on the bus, or put her in my backpack as I rode my bike.

My actual first car was a light blue 1995 Geo Prism, very basic, it had manual window cranks, and in fact I don't even think it had air conditioning. I leased it new, mostly because my dad was worried that if I had a used car that ended up needing repair, he wouldn't be able to fly out from New York on a moment's notice to help me with it. I had originally planned on going with the smaller Geo Metro, or the Toyota Tercel. I favoured smaller cars, but my parents expressed concern about my safety. I had the Prism for about a year. Leasing just turned out to be too expensive for me as I had to pay a premium on insurance with my limited driving experience and the full coverage required on a lease. I turned the car in early which messed up my credit. I wouldn't have another car for at least a year, and I made due with the bus and my bike. I'd ask a friend to drive me and my dog to the vet or to take me along on larger grocery shopping excursions.

Finally I saved up about $900 in cash and bought a 1983 Ford Mustang. It was brown. With a beige stripe along each side of the body. It was pretty pitiful really, held together by electrical tape, velcro, and staples, but it got me around town and school. I had that car until I graduated and then eventually moved with it to graduate school in Provo, Utah. The car didn't last long in Provo however. Soon I lost the reverse gear, causing me to scramble around and park so I could pull out forwards as much as possible. In the winter snow, I often ended up pushing the car backwards, either alone or with help, to get it out of the only available space in the grad student parking lot. Soon after, the transmission quit altogether.

After another short and really inconvenient carless period - I was living on a mountain, a long uphill walk from school even in the best weather -I cobbled together about $3000 to buy a 1989 Toyota Camry. It was light blue, just like the Prism I'd had a few years earlier and very similar to the '89 Camry my mom had owned back in, well 1989. It ran pretty well for a 12 year old car. I put a new stereo in it, and it served me for almost 3 years until its transmission died, just like the Mustang.

Something happened though between the time I got the Camry and when it died. I spent the summer of 2002 in Belgium, teaching at a language school in the tiny town of Thiaumont, near the border of Luxembourg. The school was located in the very southeast of Belgium, a short jaunt from not just Luxembourg but also Germany and France. The opportunity to travel in my off time from teaching was great, but the public transport in that tiny corner of Belgium was not. I ended up leasing a little car from a company that did holiday leases. Basically I rented it for the summer, but paid a lot less than if I rented by the week. It was a Peugeot 206, a compact little hatchback perfect in size for city traffic and in fuel efficiency for long trips and high European fuel prices. We actually used to nip over the border into Luxembourg for fuel since the taxes were much less than in Belgium. While zipping around Thiaumont and the nearest proper town, Arlon, I got my first glimpse of the newly relaunched MINI Cooper. It was love at first sight.

I'd long been an Anglophile, a lover of all things British - music, literature, pop culture and of course this included the now iconic classic Mini Coopers owned by everyone from the Beatles to the Queen. I'd never considered owning one though, considering their well known reputation for being unreliable. I was no mechanic, and fixing up and driving a classic car like that would require large and frequent infusions of cash. Not to mention the safety concerns. Oh yeah, and they hadn't sold the Mini in the United States since 1967.

Fast forward to 2002. There I am in Belgium looking at this amazing new incarnation of the classic car, and owning one suddenly seems an actual possibility. I started to do research on the internet to see if they would be selling the car in the United States. And yes, they had just barely become available. Upon my return to Provo in early October of that year, I continued researching and wishing and longing to get my own MINI. I finished and defended my Masters' Thesis in December and was all set to graduate from BYU in the spring of 2003. As a recent graduate, with a semester to semester adjunct teaching position at the local state college, my finances weren't in the best shape. My credit was still damaged from breaking the lease on my first car. So I wasn't going to be able to get financing for a new car, any new car, without help. And the MINI, well it may have been a sub-compact, fuel efficient marvel of design, but it also had the brand ownership and engineering prowess of BMW behind it. The new MINI wasn't cheap. It was packed with standard features that would be extras on most economy cars. And it was to be a limited production vehicle. Its small supply meant that discounts were scarce and premiums and waiting lists were the norm.

Somehow I managed it. With the help of my dad as co-signor, and a bit of money left me by my grandma, I ordered my 2003 Indi Blue MINI Cooper on 24 May 2003. Modestly equipped, and built just for me, in other words - perfect. Online, I was able to track her progress from when her VIN was assigned to her movement through the paint shop and final assembly in the Oxford factory. I followed her status as she was loaded on a train to Southampton, and then aboard a ship to cross the ocean. I was able to learn the ship's name and call sign (Don Quijote SFQP), its daily position coordinates, its progress through the Panama Canal, and arrival in Port Hueneme, California. After being unloaded from the ship and inspected, she was loaded onto a car carrier and transported to MINI of Murray, near Salt Lake City, Utah. She arrived and was prepped for delivery. And on 21 July 2003, I had to take the bus up to the dealership (the Camry had died by then) where she was waiting to meet me. She had a name, MINIfir. I'd already ordered her a personalized replica British plate. Keys in hand, I met my new baby.

Less than a week later, MINIfir and I joined the Utah MINI Motoring Club on our first club run or rally.

Fast Forward to 2009. In her 6th year, MINIfir has 68,000 miles on her odometer. She's been with me through a move to Las Vegas, MINI Takes the States I and II, and many runs with the Sin City MINI Club including AMVIVs. She's carried me safely all those miles, and my friends and family members for a few of them too. She's witnessed some awkward relationship moments, and a few quick changes of clothes, but always kept me safely within in rain and snow and windy dustiness. She's taken a few turns on the racetrack, and never met a twisty road she didn't like. Even when I don't quite trust my driving ability, I know I can trust her.

Everyday I get to drive her to work or on errands or anywhere at all, I feel lucky. I still smile big when I see her. I take care of her as best I can (though she's endured her share of nicks and scratches, rock chips and parking lot rudeness), and one day soon, I'll even be able to pay off her loan in full.

I thought about all this yesterday while we were on the road, the SCMC run went to Scotty's Castle in Death Valley, and how though my history with cars hasn't been entirely auspicious, I met my match in MINIfir. She is the car who made me a car person, because she herself is so much more than just a car.