It Covers the Hillside

Today is my 40th birthday. And it's been a bit of a rough year. Lots of changes. Some of them sad. And yet, I'm still here to document it all. That's what I do.

Continuing my purge of old paperwork, I found some old letters from a friend I had when I was a freshman in college. I met him in philosophy class. Well, met is a strong word. Observed and admired, then slipped him an anonymous note. We weren't exactly fast friends. But little by little, we bonded over shared love of Herman Hesse and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I joined the army and he found it hard to process. But, we wrote letters over the summer, then through basic training and AIT and continuing on to Fort Carson. Beautiful letters. But something happened. He was going through stuff. I was going through stuff and it all came apart. At the end, I was trying to hold on and he just wanted to get away. He wrote one last letter. It was blunt. It hurt. And I still have it. I have all the letters. Finding them reminded me of something. A pattern of some kind. I haven't quite been able to formulate what it is. I talked it over with my doctor trying to work it out. And she asked me a simple question: Why did I keep it? That last letter. The other ones, fine. They were nice memories. But that last one, what good did it do me to keep it? And I keep it still. It's history. My history. A document of what has transpired, good or bad.

There might be some greater lesson here. I haven't figured it out yet. Something about my obsessive need to record and catalog and process and reanalyze. Kind of like what I'm doing here. Why do I feel things like these decades-old pieces of paper define me? As I get older, my memory is not what it was. I need something tangible to help with things I don't remember anymore. But hanging on to words, will it get me any closer to the truth, or further away? It may actually be the opposite. Once you write something down, maybe it's less true. Once it's fixed in print, all the flexibility of meaning is gone. Or is it like I used to tell my students, a piece of writing is never done it's just due. Subject to change, in the next edition, constantly being revised, updated...like me.

Credit in the Straight World

Recently I had a legal problem due to an old credit card debt. Something that happened when I was unemployed about 6 years ago. It had been charged off, but unlike a few others that had been charged off, I never got around to settling it. This didn't turn out to be a problem when I was going through my clearance investigation, or when I bought Rory last year. But I guess the sleeping giant was awakened by my buying the house. The bank froze my accounts and the creditor put a claim in on a whopping $8000! The debt I actually incurred was only about $3000. Really I had thought since it was charged off that would be the end of it. I mean, you can't get blood from a stone. But unbeknownst to me, they decided to sue me for it a couple of years ago. As a result of the judgement I ended up owing the $8000 due to all the fees. It made me angry really. I mean the big banks are on the verge of failure and they get a bailout from the American tax payers. No such program exists for the individual. Though, if you are unemployed for a long time as I was, and there is no other way to settle your debts, you can file for bankruptcy. If I did that, I'd lose my clearance and then my job, which would make things considerably worse, not better. Fortunately I have an income and was able to settle. They ended up accepting $4000 to resolve the matter. So, there goes my savings. I'll build it back up again in time. But the timing was awful. Right before Christmas and my birthday. I had to come up with half the money. So the year comes to an inauspicious end.

It made me think though about how we are conditioned in this country to live beyond our means, and then when we get in trouble, it leads to profit for the companies that have perpetuated this way of life. We get hit with late fees, overdraft fees, over limit fees, and finally as I was, get sued. Certain members of these industries profit off making bad loans, loans they know can never be repaid. They take the commissions for granting these loans, and then they bet against the borrowers to make back many times what they loaned out. Home ownership was meant to be the end all be all of the American Dream. And it was so encouraged, not so that we could have a more equitable society, but so those who foster it can profit. I get that businesses need to make money. They need to profit. They need to employ people, and in turn those people can buy the products that are produced and have a decent standard of living. But there are those who get greedy. They make bets against people who are trying to live their lives and do the right thing. They make billions, and are still making billions without producing a single product, not giving society a single thing of value. I can't help thinking that's not the way capitalism is supposed to work.

Granted, I incurred some debt. I don't think I was being irresponsible, or living beyond my means, though. I just kept losing my jobs. And as a last resort, used credit to buy things I needed. Real necessities, like food and rent and such. I guess I was unlucky. And so were a lot of other people. Sure, there were those who were irresponsible and took advantage. And the fact is that all around us are irresponsible examples, such as our government's mounting debt, and the near default of several other countries for instance. Even so, most people just had a reasonable expectation that if they worked hard and payed their bills, then everything would be fine. There is no shame in borrowing and paying back. Most people couldn't own homes or get an education otherwise. But I think those who got greedy, they were and still are wrong.

My parents were lucky I was able to get a mortgage and buy their house for them. And I was only able to do it because I served in the military and qualified for a government backed loan. Most people who are severely underwater on their mortgages are not so lucky and lose their homes. I did not undertake the process lightly. I understand that if things go wrong for them, I am responsible. I am ultimately responsible for everything I do. So I settled my debt, mostly thanks to the fact that I have been frugal, and had some savings built up. I will continue to work hard and try to live a decent life. I've had more advantages than some, and less than others. That is not at all fair. Plenty of people get a raw deal, are poor, hungry, with no chance of an education to help lift them out of their situation. We as a society should be more sensitive to that. It's hard to look beyond our own situations; it's human nature to complain and want more than we have. Many, many people though, people of modest means like me, give to charity when they are able, consider it their duty to help others. Unfortunately, there are many more who think the opposite. With them it's, "I got mine, so screw you." It's hard not to be angry at those people.

So yes, I was angry that after all the corporate malfeasance and bad behavior, all the abuse with seemingly little consequence for the perpetrators, that I couldn't get away with a little something. If maybe they could let that go just this once, that piddly little amount I owed. But then wouldn't I be just like them despite the very different circumstances? Taking advantage of my middle class status, to keep working and living well. Plenty of people don't get away with that much. I should appreciate what I have been able to do; grow up in a safe neighborhood, have enough to eat, and clothes to wear, go on to earn two university degrees. That last thing at least is something no one can take away.

Things are fine now. But like so many others, I'm just one disaster away from losing everything. And that is something I hope never to forget again.