Save Me

Two weeks ago, my brother and I got to see Muse at Mandalay Bay Events Center. It was my brother's 4th time seeing them and my 6th. It has been 11 years since the first time I saw them, and they never fail to astonish.

Here's the setlist:
The 2nd Law: Isolated System
Supremacy
Map of the Problematique
Supermassive Black Hole
Resistance
Panic Station
Knights of Cydonia
Monty Jam
Explorers
Follow Me
United States of Eurasia
Liquid State
Madness
Time is Running Out
Undisclosed Desires
Stockholm Syndrome
The 2nd Law: Unsustainable
Uprising
Starlight
Survival

No Hysteria! I was able to see set lists from other shows online, and it seems they changed up one or two songs in each show. But still the show was fantastic. There were the usual cool video displays and the rotating drum riser so they could move around to each side of the stage, even the back. And this time they added pyro at the end.

During this show we got to see Chris up front and center, singing "Liquid State." That and "Save Me" were both written and sung by Chris for "The 2nd Law" album.  Though Chris's voice is unremarkable, it was nice to hear songs so personal. Not that Matt doesn't ever write personal songs, but the bulk of his, and thereby Muse's, songs are full of big ideas. Conspiracy theories, environmental destruction, outer space, the future of humanity. Standing up to the Powers that Be. The search for "Truth." So to me Muse's appeal has been largely in their kick-ass musicianship, and beautiful soundscapes, including Matt's voice. But really it is all that and more. The more is what is hard to describe.  The live experience is still transcendent, despite the pain.

We were about 20 feet from the stage railing. Sadly our streak of being right up front came to an end thanks to the catastrophe of Ticketmaster's new "paperless" ticketing system. When I ordered the tickets back in October, they gave no choice of tickets by mail, or will call, or print at home. It was paperless or nothing. So when we got there, a bit late because it was a Sunday and George had to work until 6:00, we still had to wait in a line to "resolve" our paperless tickets. This meant showing my ID and credit card to a person with a computer who looked up my order and then printed out our tickets! What was the point of that?! Then we had to have them scanned by this guy with a scanner which had to reboot after each scan! Then we could go inside to get in another line for our wristbands to get on the floor! All the while, there were 6 or 7 empty lines where people were going in with no waiting, either because they'd done the ticket line early, or they actually got tickets ahead of time some other way. I was furious! We got inside and sat on the floor. George was wearing my Absolution Tour 2003 T-shirt, which got him a lot of attention. He started chatting with a few people near us. When the show started, I was just trying to get a spot where I could see. Even with only about 10 rows  ahead of me, being short, I didn't have a great view. We were on Chris's side of the stage and he and Matt did go up on the little platform, but not for very long. They had to move around a lot. There were the screens and other stuff to look at, but still I'd been spoiled by all the other times I'd been right up front. George is about 6 or 7  inches taller than me and he had no problem. He even took some video with his phone. In the meantime, with people pushing, I got pushed forward about 10 feet by the end. We got separated. That was fine though, we found each other when it was done.

I came to a realization though. I think I'm too old for all this finally. The standing, craning my neck. Plus I have my bad elbow, and couldn't do all the fun fist pumping and jumping up and down. George being a couple of years younger, and a cop, he's in better shape, but even he found it taxing. We limped out of there together. Our backs were killing us. It hurt getting back in the car. I said that next time, I wanted to get tickets for those seats behind the stage. That would've been ideal. Now we know.

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This is Easter weekend. The missionaries were here last night. We have been talking about the temple. Last Sunday, at the Elders' suggestion, I met with the Bishop in his office after church. I talked to him about my journey, how I left the church for years, and now I was trying to come back. There are still issues. We talked about those. I told him about my friends John and Pedro, and how they are like family, that there is a room in their house they call "Jennifer's room." And about how I can not see any way possible that God would not be happy with them, their commitment and love. And that since they are not even members of the church, why should they not have the rights of any other couple? Within a church, any church, marriage is a religious institution. And marriage outside the church, is a civil institution. My problem is that the LDS church is trying to influence the civil institution. They put church resources towards supporting Prop 8 in California and DOMA. And now that these two laws are being examined by the Supreme Court, the church signed on to an Amicus brief supporting both. They doubled down. I disagree with this on two counts. One, the church should not be using resources to participate in a legal/ political process. Two, there are all kinds of other marriages outside the church; marriage of straight couples who live together first; marriages of church members with non-members; marriage of couples who have no plans to or otherwise can't have children, and so on. The church really has no say in these, and shouldn't. The church doctrines are very specific, especially where it comes to being married in the temple. But that does not affect people with different beliefs. So why should the church make a point in speaking out against the unions of gay people? To defend heterosexual marriages against them when they have nothing to do with most of these heterosexual marriages. It's very problematic. The Bishop said he could understand where I was coming from. And how the church was making efforts reach out more to gay members and non members alike. There is that website, gaysandmormons.org which I visited and read some of. But still, it's problematic.

But the temple is not just for marriage. As LDS people, we take our endowments in the temple, usually when we are about to get married or go on a mission. But if neither of those are the case, we all still eventually want to take them. The endowments are important for other reasons. For performing sacred ordinances for others, and for eternal salvation. It's our way of making a commitment to the Lord. I have never taken mine. After 7 years in the church, I still never felt ready. Then when I left the church, it was no longer an issue. Now it's something I have to think about. A goal. It's a good goal to have. But I feel like I shouldn't rush it. I must take it seriously. I must take stock of my life, and my mistakes, which are numerous, and re-establish my relationship with God. But I want to do it my own way. The missionaries and the Bishop have to understand that. Baby steps. I first have to re-establish my own testimony. And it's a fragile thing.

In talking with the Bishop, he was very understanding. He told me what kind of questions I will be asked when I am ready to interview for my temple recommend again. We talked about the word of wisdom, tithing, and other issues of worthiness. I didn't tell him everything. All that I'd done. Afterwords, I felt like I could have. I was just afraid. I left things out. I didn't tell the whole truth. But hopefully there's still time for that. For now it's a step.

Quiet

I'm a quiet person. There are different types of quiet. Some people speak very quietly. And some just speak sparingly. Only when there is something important to say. I think I'm more the later.

Especially since when I get excited about something, I can suddenly get very loud, and talk very fast. A friend of mine speaks very softly and next to her I feel very loud, very...American. No wonder people think we're loud.

I can seriously go a whole day at work without saying a word. I enjoy it. The people I work with are all big talkers. They talk all day and say very little. It's a good thing I can wear my ear buds all day or they would drive me crazy. Liz, the admin who sits in the cubicle next to me, says her every thought out loud all day. She usually forgets I'm there. One day at lunch I opened a soda can, and she jumped 2 feet out of her chair. She had forgotten I was there and the sound surprised her.

When I was in college, we had these seminar style classes where we would sit around a table and discuss the literature we were reading. The professor would facilitate and everyone would just jump in. I never felt comfortable with that. I would wait and wait for a pause so I could say something. But there never was one. One of my teachers got to know me so well, she knew when I was ready to say something. She'd pause the discussion. Then she'd say something like, Jennifer will now tell us what's going on. And I would speak. Carefully, thoughtfully. There was some pressure. Like I had to come up with some earth shattering insight. But it just worked. She let me participate in my own way.

The pattern continued throughout college and then on into grad school. And in my working life. People think it's because I fear speaking in front of people. But it isn't at all. I was a teacher for 5 years. I've done plenty of public speaking. I just don't feel like I need to be talking all the time. Especially when I have no interest.

But here's some talking I have been doing lately. The missionaries have been coming over to teach me once a week. I've been to church three times. And my visiting teachers Myra and Shawna have visited me once too. The missionaries bring a brother from the ward with them. Mostly it's been Ben who is married to one of the Sarahs who came to visit as part of the Relief Society presidency. He's really nice. And the missionaries are adorable, and so sincere. One of them is just 18 since they are allowed to leave on their missions a year early now. It's been interesting. And emotional. I usually cry. I've also been reporting on these sessions to my therapist. She has been skeptical the more I tell her. I have doubts too. I mean, what do I believe? Did I stop believing all of it, or just some? Can I go back if I'm not all in?

Maybe I just want to go back because of the community. Since I moved up here, I haven't seen many of my friends. I dog sit for John and Pedro pretty regularly, but I usually show up after they've gone and leave just before they return. So it's the dogs I'm spending time with. More weekends without talking to anyone. They did get back early when I sat for them last time. So they took me out to lunch and we got to hang out for a little bit; then I stopped by to visit my parents. We watched the first part of the new Bible miniseries on the History Channel.

But the church thing is going well I think. Still not sure how involved I'll get. But it's nice to have visitors, that I actually enjoy.  Deep, important discussions with nice people. Then, alone again, in the quiet, I try to remember how to pray.