Look at the Moon

This is not a new blog post, it's from my Benrik blog last year, but a re-airing around now seemed appropriate.
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The Friday before last I was downtown with some friends, including K. my sleepover partner of a couple of months ago. We were checking out the monthly art open houses. And we ran into B. who was showing at one of the galleries. B., I soon learned, is the younger sister of J. who is K.'s ex-girlfriend.

K. and J. were together for 9 years. She broke up with him because after all that time he still wasn't ready to move in together or talk about marriage/family etc. That was 6 years ago. I've known K. now for just under 2 years. And he's always been vehement about the fact that he was not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. (At first I thought his break-up with his ex was only about a year or two before I met him because he still talked about her a lot, but no it's been over 6 years.)

So anyway, K. and I became good friends. We unexpectedly veered towards more than that about a year ago, for like a minute (basically we held hands in the cinema and then snogged) and then he thought better of it and ran away. Then 8 months later, again. This time, we had a couple of sleepovers, and it seemed like he might honestly want to attempt being with me. But no, three weeks later he ran again. And I sat him down and said, "Look, if you don't want this, then just tell me. Don't act like you're all into it, and then disappear. I'm still your friend, just tell me what's going on." So basically he was off the hook. And he said, "Yeah, I just can't."

So we went back to being just friends. Everything was fine. I'm still hurt, because obviously he mislead me and I don't take a sleepover lightly, and I was so cautious as it was happening, looking for signals that he really wanted to go there, and he gave them to me, I am pretty sure I didn't imagine that, but see since I was so worried about being careful I never really got the chance to enjoy it. And then it was over. So yeah, I still feel hurt over it. But I don't talk to him about that. We're back to discussing Doctor Who and Spider-man, etc.

And then, that Friday night, there we were, at B.'s art show, and suddenly I'm face to face with J. How could I not be intimidated? And seeing K. and the way he acted around her...I felt so...small. And she was like...oh it's good to see you, come hang out with us at the pub.

And so we did, and all of K.s other friends that he's known for 15-20 years, but hadn't seen in at least a year, were there, like 20 of them, along with B. and J. and there I was, not knowing any of them...

And at 5:00am, after I had listened to them reminiscing all night and telling stories that they've told hundreds of times, and sitting there dumbly as they all started singing when a familiar song came on the jukebox, and feeling angry at myself for being so affected by seeing K. and J. talking to each other, even just across the bar, and staying as one by one everyone said goodnight and left, until it was basically just him and me. And we went out to our cars, and he said, "Did you have a good time tonight?" And I tried not to betray my feelings, as I admitted, "It was just a lot, all at once, a bit overwhelming..." and he hugged me tightly as if he knew how awful it must have been for me, but maybe he was a little grateful that I'd stuck it out.

And then back at work, where we sit together at lunch most days, it was back to normal again, except now he felt like when he told me stories about all these folks that I actually knew who he was talking about, and that made him feel relaxed, which was good. But inside, I was still, and am still freaking out. Especially when he tells a story about J. because he knows that I know exactly who she is and surely since I'd met her, I must have noticed how the sun surely shines out of her behind. Because back then, he was young and stupid and it took him 3 years after the break-up for him to realize, yes she was the love of his life. And it was too late.

And 3 more years after that, there was me. But it wasn't anything big, just a misstep, something you can just change your mind about with no harm and no foul.

And he doesn't realize...

that it's not the moon that's making me act this way.

But let's just say it is.

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Things have changed so much since then.