Don't Make Me Over

I had a pretty good day yesterday for my birthday. I got some free stuff (carwash, gift at Sephora, drink at Starbucks) and my lovely family were generous as always. Dad took us to dinner at a nice place, and earlier, I got to hang out with my brother George at his place. He gave me the DVD of Glee and we watched a couple of episodes. Then after dinner, me, Mom and Dad watched some. The whole family is into it and that doesn't happen very often. It made me happy.

Anyway, as this year ends, my 38th, it's hard not to examine your life and see if there is anything you might work on for the next year. This blog has been my project this year, and I can't say it's been a resounding success. I haven't kept up adding entries as much as I wanted to. I feel like my writing is still not back to where it once was. But I'll try to carry on. And not write so much about handbags. I'm way too obsessed with them.

As for changes, I can't keep making the same resolutions year after year without learning that they most likely aren't acheiveable. I am at the point in my life where, this is who I am, and that's probably not going to change much. The year started at the Bunin's New Year's party. I was hoping it might be the beginning of a greater effort and success in my social life. Not so much. I haven't made much headway with Janice and the gang at Paddy's. I've not seen Keir since the beginning of the year, and it still makes me sad, but actually I'd hoped that his absence would help. And those guys would see that my hanging around, it's not all about him. I've wanted to hang out with Janice one on one, but there just hasn't been a good time to ask her. And a year on from losing Barb, she's still got bigger things to be thinking about than befriending a shy quiet girl who used to work with her ex-boyfriend. Cool shoes notwithstanding.

Should I go to the Bunin's party tomorrow night? Technically I wasn't invited, but they are pretty open with their invitation to friends of friends. And Ralph and Kate should be there. I'm thinking of wearing my new dress, and cool shoes, and bringing along my iPod with photos of my trip to New York to share. Will it matter? Will I blend in or stick out? I don't know. But I do know I'm better off not trying to be someone I'm not.

Shopping Girl Maniac

So Christmas has come and gone. And I mostly stuck to my resolution not to buy myself a new bag until next year. After Christmas sales are very nearly next year anyway, right? And the new Cole Haan I ordered from Neiman Marcus on Christmas Eve won't arrive until January. I had to use my gift card before it expired.

That's no rationalization though. I mean, if I had found something I wanted at the right time and the right price I would have bought it, resolution or no. I nearly bought two bags from Luna Boston on Black Friday, if not for a website malfunction. I ended up buying a couple of small accessories, which is how I've got by during this embargo. A Treesje cosmetics bag here, a Rebecca Minkoff pouch there, a Marc by Marc Jacobs cosmetics case. And that tiny crossbody Cole Haan I purchased that day wouldn't have counted...plus I ended up returning it. I don't count the little Kipling crossbody either. I needed something waterproof to take to the Muse concert. Yeah, there's no sense denying it. I've not been very good at holding out.

At least I am employed, actually have a decent income, and few expenses. (The MINI is paid off!) I'm not getting into debt. If I do use a card I pay it in full the next month. I'm not paying interest. It's just convenience, and the racking up points with the store cards. Last year, somehow I managed to spend $500 on a Mulberry Bayswater the day after Christmas. I felt a bit of remorse considering my state of unemployment. How could I justify such a splurge when I was receiving barely $300 a week in UI? And then I didn't use that bag for nearly a year. It's strange how that happened. Considering I'd purchased a bunch of bags during that time. I was saving the Mulberry I guess. But I finally got it into the mix.

So today I headed to Burberry for the after Christmas sale. I'd missed out on the Ashmore Glossy Grain tote I'd been considering online. And the larger Glossy Grain tote I was eyeing at Bloomingdales still hadn't gone on sale. So I opted for the Pilgrim satchel from the same family. Same lovely detailing and textured leather. A smaller bag than I would normally go for. But the good thing about that is that it will be easier to work into my rotation. It won't stand out as much as a new bag Mom hasn't seen. I was even thinking it might do for the New Year's party. I need a little black bag to go with my new Anna Scholz dress. Pros and cons being weighed: It's not quite a clutch; it might seem odd if I'm holding onto it all night. And yet, I won't really want to put it down somewhere where it can get sat on or spilled on. I've still got that adorable Coach Parker clutch in mind. But it won't arrive from Nordstrom.com in time for the party. And the little Hayden-Harnett Bleeker clutch doesn't quite hold the stuff I want to bring. Blackberry, camera and iPod. That's a definite argument for an all-in-one like the iPhone. But I'll probably go with that one. My other option is the little Treesje pouch I just got. No wrist strap, but small enough to keep with me all night. I have to see if my gadgets will fit in it. Clutches are problematic, because I hardly ever have need of them, but I'm still tempted to buy them.

Anyway, it's the big bags I tend to go overboard on. I buy one after another. I've got my eye on a few more right now, if I can catch them on sale. And I haven't spent the money on other stuff. I very nearly bought a hat as well at Burberry today. I do need a wintery warm hat for my bus commute. But I certainly don't need to spend almost $200 on one. And I wanted to buy two! Fortunately, I resisted.

It's a slightly slippery slope. When I tell myself I shouldn't buy so many bags, I feel okay about buying other stuff like shoes, wallets, clothes. The Anna Scholz dresses, and that coat; that very expensive coat which I just had to have. I love it, I do, but how much am I really going to wear it? And then scarves and other goodies will come along with it. All money I'm spending even if it's not on bags. I'm treating myself well. And why not? I don't have kids. I'm pretty generous with my family for birthdays and Christmas, I think. I got Mom some Chanel No. 5. George got that nice Sony iPod dock clock/radio he wanted for his birthday. And for Dad, the first season of the original Star Trek on Blu-Ray. I think they all liked their gifts. And I asked for so little from them. Just the Mets snuggie which I love. The expensive stuff, I'd never ask them to buy for me. I'd rather spend my own money instead of theirs. They have so many other things to take care of financially around here.

We were talking the other day about the new City Center and how the expensive shops in there don't necessarily make it a haven for the rich. It's too commercial, Dad said. The very wealthy don't want to be shopping alongside the tourist looky-loos who can't afford the goods. Mom agreed, yeah they don't want to shop with the riff raff. But I said, who do you think you're talking about? We are the riff raff! But no, we're middle class, Mom argued. Well, not really, Dad said. Not anymore. Maybe we were back in the 70's and 80's. I guess strictly speaking we are still middle class. I mean we do have a nice house, and the big screen TVs and each of us has our own car. But standards of living dictate that most people have those things. Certainly a canvass of the lower income folks living in dilapidated apartment complexes will find that some of them have that stuff too. It always amazes me when I pass by the older parts of Vegas on the bus and see those small run-down houses with bars on the windows and fairly new cars parked outside.

Priorities definitely seem skewed.

I'm certainly not the only one guilty of it. I like the fact that I can walk into a nice store and can chat knowledgeably with the staff and buy a designer item more often than not. Usually on sale, but still. I know I could easily be outed as the cheap shoes/expensive watch type. My clothes are rarely expensive. It's in vogue to mix high and low end these days, but I'm still very aware of the contrast between my expensive designer bags and inexpensive clothes. I suppose there's a whole other world of "by appointment only" boutiques which even I don't have the guts to step in.

As much as I think about it, and indulge myself, perhaps unwisely, deep down I know what's really important. The other day I cut my finger while shaving in the shower. I went down to the kitchen and pulled the band-aids out of the drawer to bandage it up. Mom was there and immediately tended to me. Then Dad came over and cleaned my finger with a disinfectant wipe and put the band-aid on. I'm 38 years old in a few days, and my parents are still always there for me. Just like when I was a little girl. And that is priceless.

Too Much Information

Thursday nights as I go to sleep my mind is usually spinning with all the things I need and want to get done on the weekend. I'm also trying to process the information I need to accomplish these things. I know I have to go through my mail, and check all the usual sources for coupons and other discounts which are time sensitive. I feel like if I do anything, I have to do it in the most cost and time-efficient way possible.

Then Friday morning comes, and I haven't got as much sleep as I had hoped, and it's a bit hard to drag myself out of bed. Time flies and I've done nothing. The pressure I've already put on myself is weighing on me. So I try. I start to sift through all the information. And there is too much. It's overload.

Part of it is because I have so little time during the week. I have to put off thinking about things that I should be taking care of little by little. And then three days doesn't seem like enough to catch up. Especially when a whole day will go by when I get nothing done. Not because I didn't try, but because things just weren't going my way.

And then I get that lethargic feeling. I don't feel like scouring catalogs and websites. I don't feel like getting caught up on blogs or facebook. And I feel guilty for not wanting to. I know it all will go on without me. If I miss a sale, the world won't end. But I'm plied by the advertisers who are screaming at me daily. Last chance! Final hours! Get your discounts now! And the updates come in, they follow me. On my blackberry and iPod, on computers and in the mail. I know there will be more. There always are. Specials on free shipping? They have that every week. It would be silly to pay for shipping ever if you're smart. You can always get it free if you pay attention. Pay attention to all the information coming at you or you might miss something.

And is it all information I want? No, I'm subjected to stuff I don't want to know, no matter what I do. The gossip shows, the conversation of strangers. Even the news sometimes. And I can't turn it all off. I might miss something important.

But what is important. My family is important. I try to take care of things important to them. They don't ask much of me. Still I struggle. I can barely keep up on my own stuff. I can barely see though the fog of all the data coming at me. Then there's keeping up with friends, which I've been lousy at too. And then how can I rest, knowing of all that had to be left undone. So I do two, sometimes three things at once. Catch up on TV, surf the web, check the mail, play Farmville...yes, the distractions get in there too. And then none of it gets done well. Focus is what you have to give up. I do it at work too. But at home it seems especially fruitless. I feel like I can't write anymore. My mind just won't process everything the way it once did. So all I can do is hammer out a complaint here and a half finished thought there. And for now, that's going to have to be enough.