Made to Last

Yesterday as I curled up on the sofa re-watching episodes of Glee and playing Farmville, I debated whether I should go to the New Year's party. I told my mom I was going, so I'd ruled out going down to the parents house and seeing in the new year alone in the living room. Mom would be there, but she'd be asleep by then. I took a shower and did my errands then put my sweats on. I didn't have to go anywhere. It was perfectly fine to spend New Year's Eve alone, just enjoying the quiet of my new place. Last year, I had been at Pedro's with the puppies. So not alone if you count dogs. But it would be nice to get out, just to hang out with Ralph and Kate and Dax and talk to Dan about the Mets. No other expectations. But as it got later, it was harder and harder to get myself to get off the sofa. But at 10:00 I was decided. If I didn't go now, it'd be too late. I went upstairs, got dressed and tried to calm my nerves. Why was I nervous? It should be fairly mellow. No Janice meant no Keir. My plan was clear. Just stand around by the wall swaying to the music and holding up a bottle of water in the toast at midnight. Then head home and get a good night's sleep.

But Keir was there. I walked in and saw him to my left in the living room, face flushed red with inebriation. Ralph and Kate were in front of me and came to greet me at the door. I hugged them each in turn. Then Ralph half-whispered to me, in case I hadn't noticed, that Keir was there. He was stumbling towards us. "Oh, hey," I said, giving him a quick hug. "Nice to see you." He said the same. Though I was skeptical that he even recognized me. I moved on into the party. Ralph, as ever my faithful buffer, said that Keir had turned up early maybe around 7, already drunk. We shook our heads. It was terrible to see him like that, but what could we do? I met Johanna in the kitchen doorway and she recognized me as Keir's friend, asking if I knew he was here. I said, yeah, but he's not really aware at the moment. Yeah, that happens, she said shrugging. Kate had a little wine buzz going, not too much, just enough to make her a bit more happy and chatty. I could tell Ralph was glad to have another sober person to talk to. I found Dax too and stayed talking to him and Ralph, and Kate when she wasn't wandering off. We stayed in a little cluster in the kitchen. Every time Keir was nearby I managed to wander away, or look elsewhere. At midnight, the hugging and kissing and New Year's toasts in progress, he appeared again, so I hugged him awkwardly and turned to find Kate.

I hadn't had a chance to say hi to Dan yet, even though his brother Mike made a point of coming over to hug me twice and say he was glad I had made it. Another half hour and Ralph and Kate decided to head home. I wasn't going to stay long either, I'd decided. I met a guy outside who was wearing the same Fluevogs I was, just in a different color. So we amused ourselves with a conversation about our favorite shoes. They last forever, we agreed.

I was pulled onto the dance floor a few times by people I didn't know. Martin was playing good music. I was having fun and I wasn't anxious about Keir. I wasn't paying much attention to him at all. But then, he came to find me. I felt his hands on my waist. He was trying to dance with me. He came around and took my hands saying, you know this song, this is the best song. He twirled me around a couple of times and we tripped over each other. I tried to dance casually apart from him, but he kept taking my hand and we tried to dance some more, badly. After a few times he took my elbow and beckoned me to follow him into the living room. He seemed like he wanted to talk. But I let him go and he seemed to forget about me. I moved outside, then back into the kitchen; I just kept moving. Finally it was unavoidable, Keir pulled me into the living room and we sat down on one of the sofas. I asked him how he was. He asked me if he was being a jerk, if he was always being a jerk, or even better, an asshole. I told him I haven't seen him in two years. But back then, he continued. I was a jerk back then. Yeah, you were, I said. I've always been a jerk he said. Yeah, well, I said. No, tell me I'm an asshole. I shook my head. I think that's a bit strong. I'm too polite to say that. Well don't, he said. Don't be polite.

He leaned against me, then reached over and pulled off my shoe. Then he tossed it into the dining room. I sat there, one shoe off. Go get my shoe, I said. No, he said. Finally, I got up and collected my shoe. You are an asshole, I said.

Later back outside, I met Fluevog guy again. I grabbed Keir and pulled him over. Look, I said, we have the same shoes. Shoe buddies! someone said. You know what, I said to Fluevog guy. He took my Fluevog and threw it across the room. Why'd you do that man? he said to Keir. And then, he wouldn't go get it for me, I continued. I was going to, he said, but then you got it. I rolled my eyes and looked at him, teasing, as if to say 'whatever.'

A while later I finally got to talk to Dan. As he was the host, I didn't want to leave without at least talking with him for a little bit. We commiserated about the Mets, and the loss of Jose Reyes. Keir had wandered off back to the living room, where someone reported he was crying. I was outside talking to Johanna and she said, you know there comes a point where you can't say it's not your fault anymore. I agreed. I don't like to give up on people you know. I don't want to give up on him. He's obviously taking Janice's engagement pretty hard. Dan came over and said that he had been dropped off without making arrangements to get home. Violet said they should probably call him a cab now, and then give him the money to get home. Agreed, Dan said. Johanna and I both made a move to get our coats. I came back with my coat on and thanked Dan for his hospitality. I found Keir on the patio, sitting alone at the table. I put my hand on his shoulder. Hey, I said. I'm gonna head home. Take care okay? You're going, he said, sounding hurt. I bent down and hugged him quickly. I thought I heard him mumble "I love you," into my shoulder. I shook my head, waved good-bye, and turned to walk out. I realized on the way back to my car that I'd forgotten to say good-night to Dax, but I figured he'd forgive me. I had stayed way later than I'd meant to. It was almost 3am. I got in the car and headed home. I went straight up to bed. As I fell asleep I thought it was a decent night out. And that I guess I really could go to the party, just for me, whether he was there or not. And if he was, it wasn't my job to babysit him, but I could at least be kind. It was only once a year.