Finest Worksong

Tomorrow I start a new job, so my latest stint on unemployment has finally come to an end. And I'm nervous and excited and relieved. The strange thing is I also feel a bit guilty. That sort of makes sense in these economic times. There are so many people out there still looking for work, and those many who are just now losing their jobs. And as long as it took to get to this point (I actually had to go into my extended unemployment benefits) I suffered relatively little. I had my family to fall back on. There wasn't much I had to give up. I was careful enough with money, but I could've been more careful. The biggest thing was having no place to go. Being stuck in the house, with no job to go to, while it gave me lots of time to do little projects I'd been putting off, it also allowed plenty of time for me feel depressed, unproductive, unsuccessful.

Then there was the fact that to most people not having a paying job meant I wasn't doing any work whatsoever. I made a great effort to keep structure in my days by doing job searches, applications and letters in the mornings before noon. Sometimes I was done quickly. I did have a lot of time, but I had no intention of shuttling my grandmother around or doing stuff no one else wanted to do just because I didn't have formal employment obligations. I allowed myself "work time" when I was unavailable to anyone else for the periods when I was doing my searches or another project, reading or writing. It didn't always work, but I kept to it as much as possible.

For all those months I tried to keep good humor while the people around me shared their sympathies and wished me better luck soon. And people were great. I mean, it's hardly unusual to be out of work in this recession. It isn't the mark of shame it used to be. But in the back of my mind, and those of my family members too I'm sure, there was this nagging feeling that it shouldn't be me in this situation. I'm highly educated, so I should have the accomplishments to go along with my promised potential. It was hard not to compare myself to people I grew up with, and went to school with, and see how far behind them I am in so many ways. Even my little brother, who had long had difficulty living up to expectations, went out and got a career for himself as a police officer. We're so proud of him, but for me, it's always been expected. So anything less is a disappointment.

And now it's time to hit the ground running again. I have a great opportunity, and a chance to make up for lost earnings and contribute more to the family and just get out of the house and feel better about myself. There's a part of me though that's afraid. I've been worried that my skills may have atrophied. What if I'm not as sharp and capable as I once was? Will I even be able to hack it? Getting up early, a long commute, a long and stressful work day. Am I still fit?

And now I won't have time to do anything else. All that time I had over the last 6 months, why didn't I do more? It was always difficult to plan when I never knew what the next week would bring. My resources were limited, and the time I had, it wasn't always my own. But it still seems like I did nothing! I know that's not the case, but the feeling is there. Where did all that time go?

So back to work tomorrow, hopefully for a longer and more stable period than before. But I can never let my guard down again. I can't be blindsided like I was when I lost my job at Upper Deck nearly a year ago. I can't let my life be defined by what I do either. I have to be more adaptable. And I have to make time for myself, no matter what I am doing for a living, so that I can live and not just survive.