Connection

Today I learned that there is a chat application on MySpace! Perhaps I never noticed it because I don't visit MySpace that often anymore. But today I logged on to leave a birthday message to Skip and lo and behold there he was! And Jazzie was online too! It was the first time in ages we'd all three been online together. A lovely surprise. And being able to re-connect with them made my whole day. It would've been nicer if MySpace had the capability to let us all connect in a single chat window. It doesn't seem like that's an option right now, so it was back and forth to Jazzie's and then Skip's window.

Yesterday, I went to the wedding of my friends Jeff and Annette. I know them from the MINI club, but what I didn't know is that they actually met through the MINI club. They had each recently divorced and they met at a party at the Moss' house. And the rest is history. It's nice to know that connections like that can still form. Unexpectedly, and yet perfectly.

All the MINI club people sat together at tables and it was natural that we gravitated towards people we knew. It was only when the crowd had thinned somewhat that I felt a tad more comfortable allowing myself to be pulled onto the dance floor by Annette. Still, Chris, who was dancing next to me said, "You look really uncomfortable." And I said, "Yeah, so uncomfortable." I'm not a dancer. But even if I was, it'd be a bit difficult for me to loosen up. I tend to be pretty stiff in public, specifically in large crowds. Like with Keir's friends. Sometimes though it's enough just to be around everybody and watch them having a good time. I'm always with them in spirit at least. And that's a connection I can be comfortable with any time.

Now I'm thinking again about the reunion. Should I go? It's less than two weeks away now and I have to decide pretty quickly here. There are arrangements that need to be made, for travel, and for my finances. But that isn't the biggest obstacle. I had such a great time when I went to visit Hina last month, but I'm not sure I'm ready to re-connect with all those other friends and classmates I once knew. I still hesitate to let them see me. I anticipate some awkwardness. At the wedding, as I hung out in the back of the hall, I could imagine how it would be. People dancing, paryting, re-connecting. And I'd just be there. With Hin, sure. I wouldn't be alone. I'd see Michelle and Melissa and a few others. But I can't say that I will be able to loosen up any more than I did yesterday at the wedding. But then maybe it's not supposed to be all about letting loose and having fun. Maybe partially it's a chance to revisit some of those old connections we made, and to see if there is much left of them. Or just to see how your old self connects to the current one. This is where I've been and these are those who I've known and it's all led up to who I am now. Times have seemed so disparate and unnconnected. But maybe completing a cirlce like this will bring it all together. And in the end, the person I most need to connect with is myself.