Girls & Boys

I'm beginning to think that Jemma may need her own blog. Not only has she accepted a marriage proposal from Mo, with the prospect of a full blown Second Life wedding, she has somehow also obtained a girlfriend, Megan. This is all with Mo's blessing, and participation! He actually found Megan, a noob on her first day of SL, wandering on a beach, perhaps on Orientation Island; he didn't say.

This whole thing makes me think Skip may have been the wisest of all, keeping his identity hidden all these years. Well we always knew he was wise, and I have requested his Maskipperly advice more than once. But it goes back to the age old question (well, as age old as the interwebs), "Who are you talking to online? Is it a real person, or someone playing a role, pretending to be someone else?" Or maybe it's that person feeling free to finally be themselves, without the limitations of snap judgments, or a physical body.

Tom Boellersdorf's ethnography of SL discussed the population of residents who have physical handicaps in real life, and yet are free to walk and run and fly like any other SL resident. Does that make their SL identity false, or deceptive? Not at all. Some of these residents choose to have their avatars use wheelchairs or other aids, even though they don't have to. Does this make them more authentic? Perhaps they just remain as they are already comfortable with themselves. Similarly, I've created Jemma in my own image, as a short, full-figured woman. Does that mean it's me doing everything she does, or is she just my agent, able to safely try things out that I would never really do? Whether it be bungee jumping, or a new haircolor, or something more significant.

What makes me (and/or Jemma) uncomfortable then is when Mo and Megan confess about their real lives. "In real life I want this," or "In real life I feel that." They both sound really similar when they speak like this. In fact at first I thought perhaps Mo created Megan as an alt. It just seemed too convenient that a willing noob, still in noob's clothing, could be found so readily. And she also talks like maybe English is not her first language, just like Mo. Now I'm pretty sure Megan is not an alt. Mo would have to be quite a multitasker.

Speaking of Alts, Marshall attended his first SciFri. On his own due to continued sporadic outages of the SL grid on my iMac, he was immediately welcomed by a cute girl there.




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Whitechocolatespaceegg

Yesterday I woke up dizzy. Just a little. So that getting up from standing or sitting made my head swim a bit, like my equilibrium was off. And I had a headache. After planning what I was going to do this weekend, I ended up staying home. I watched the Mets, then I lay back down in the afternoon to take a nap. Then I remembered that new Doctor Who was coming on, so I made myself get up. I mentioned the dizziness to Dad, who in turn mentioned it to Mom, who got so worried she came up to my room with a blood pressure cuff. She took my blood pressure which was elevated, and then yelled at me about how I'm not taking proper care of myself. Yeah, she's right. But it's not easy. I finally got around to making a dentist appointment for this week. One thing at a time. But I should go see Doctor Ryan. It's been too long.

Mom went on about how I could have a heart attack with blood pressure this high and I wondered what would happen if I did die in my sleep or something. I wouldn't have time to fix things. And then they'd clean out my room, and find all the new shoes I've bought lately, clothes with tags still on, and the stash of Cadbury's Mini Eggs I have in my closet. Eventually they'd get into my storage unit, and see the piles of shopping bags, and plastic tubs full of handbags, way more than they actually know I have. And they'd find out, sooner or later, that I have MINIfir stashed down at Annette's house. They might look through my stuff on my computers. Find evidence of...what, I don't know. Just stuff that's none of their business. People always find out stuff they really didn't need to know about their loved ones when they are gone. I usually feel like I've nothing to hide. But we all have something. I haven't even thought about the stuff I keep in my desk at work. And since they don't really know any of my friends, would they ever be able to let people know? And would anyone notice that I wasn't around any more; and would they only vaguely wonder why and then forget about me?

Well, enough of that. I guess I'm just thinking about these things because of poor Lis Sladen (Dear Sarah Jane!).

It's Easter. And I feel fine today. I'm just tired. And a new work week begins, and I'll be more tired. And then the weekend will come and I'll make plans, and probably just drop them and stay home. But I do still have things to look forward to. New episodes of Doctor Who and In Plain Sight. The Glee concert next month. AMVIV. Maybe a trip to New York this summer to visit Hina. So I'll take a deep breath, and do what I have to do, and hopefully everything will be fine.

Mohammed My Friend

So Jemma is feeling a bit pressured by her friend Mo. Every time she logs on, he is there demanding her time. It's not just that. He is constantly telling her how much he loves her and thinks about her. Jemma has to be blunt. She doesn't feel the same. How could she? She barely knows the guy. After being offline for a few days this week due to my dead Time Capsule, Mo tells Jemma he was worried about her, and wants to know if she was thinking about him in RL. I have to admit I was thinking about him. I was thinking maybe I should take an even longer break from SL to let him cool off. But then I got a better idea. I created an alt. His name is Marshall, and while he is not as yet fully formed, he's going to have something to say if Mo doesn't stop putting so much pressure on Jemma. Getting Marshall and Jemma online at the same time requires two computers, and since it seems SL is always crashing at least one of my computers, that hasn't happened yet. But it will, hopefully soon.

I noticed when creating Marshall that SL has changed the way you choose user names. You don't pick a first name and then choose from a list of available last names. I guess it got too hard to keep coming up with unique surnames for the millions of residents. So Marshall's name is MarshallMiller (one word). I spent a bunch of time last night trying to dress and style him to somewhat resemble his namesake. But it was trickier than I thought. He still looks pretty generic. I think Jemma will have to buy him some clothes and maybe some different prim hair, since he's not going to have his own money.

Other than that, not much has happened in SL this week. I had to work on Friday, so we missed SciFri, and then by the time I got the new Time Capsule up and running, I was too tired to spend much time there. Jemma kept Mo at arm's length, which he wasn't happy about. And she did chat again with Madame T., her neighbor. I'm trying to see what use the Pocket Metaverse app is on my phone. So far I can log on and respond to messages, but not much else. May come in handy though when I get bored at work.

You're the One for Me, Fatty

Apparently, Jemma has a boyfriend in SL now. Which leads me to believe one thing: Egyptian guys dig fat chicks. Okay, I kid. But it's a funny story, and not really one that has to do with the picture of poor fat Miracle above. But I may get to her later. So I went roaming around last night in this place that described itself as Main Street New York, and seemed more a comglomerate of many downtowns from cities all over. I saw a few people wandering around. Then in one store (at least I think it was a store), I met this guy who said he was from Egypt, but lived in Saudi Arabia. At least this one spoke English. His name was Mohammed, but he goes by Moha. He asked to be my friend and I told him I was going to walk around some more and he could come if he wanted. He followed me for a bit, and kept asking if I wanted to go somplace called Epica. We teleported there and it appeared to be a beach area for surfing and other water sports. I spotted a canoe. I decided I'd come back to try that later. Moha did not seem to want to do any water sports. He just wanted to sit on the beach with me. There were some animation rez balls that allowed for a couple to cuddle and kiss. I guess he had come here before to do this, I don't know. The thing that cracked me up was that he kept saying that he felt really close to me, like even seconds after we met. I was like, "Yeah, you are taking this too seriously. We just met." But he was in a hurry, and soon after we arrived in Epica, he wanted me to come back to his house. I was just curious to see what someone else's house looked like, so we teleported there. Once we were there, he said something like, "Now you are the queen of this place." You can feel free to do whatever. He had a nice sofa arrangment with cushions on the floor. But before I couild sit down, he said, "You can see upstairs too." So we went upstairs and found some more scattered furniture, including a big round bed. It was one of those beds I had seen so many of when I was shopping for the bed at my place. It came with all sorts of sex animations you could do. At the time I had wondered why all the beds seemed to come with these. Doesn't anyone in SL use their bed just to sleep? Apparently, not so much. I mean, obviously, if you were just going to sleep, you would quit SL and go offline. But I always like to put Jemma to bed before I log off. Then when I come back, I find her on the bed, like she's just waking up. Anyway, Moha invited me to try it out. It was fairly amusing. But I tried the canoe today, and got such a kick out of it! It reminded me of the old days in spinchat with Skip and Jazzie. Space Canoe ride anyone? :)

Mothers Talk

With all the havoc Mother Nature has caused lately; Earthquakes in Haiti, New Zealand, Japan (plus the Tsunami), things are pretty calm in this little corner of the world. Here, winter's last gasp comes in a grey, windy weekend, just before the first day of spring. Baseball is in the air, though the boys of summer have yet to make their way north from sunny Florida. And I think it's time to remove the cover of snow from the farm.

Soon it will be dress and sandals season. And I learend this weekend that apparently I've been wearing the wrong size bra for years. I am not a 42C as I'd thought. And despite putting on quite a bit of weight lately, I don't need to move up to a 44. The lady in Nordstrom measured me and talked me down. It took a while to get my head round it, the fact that I should be wearing a 40DD! A Double D is for girls who are particularly well endowed, I always thought. I'm not that big. But apparently the discomfort of the band riding up and the sides gapeing out didn't signal the need for a bigger band, but a larger cup. A much larger cup. How could I have not known this? I'm nearly 40. My cluelessness has reached a new level.

In other news, I'm talking to Mom and Dad about it maybe being time to get grandma her own place. The stress she is causing has got to the point that I spent nearly all of my session with my therapist this week talking about it. I stopped by a nearby senior apartments complex. They are having a special on 2 bedroom apartments. She doesn't need a 2 bedroom. But they don't have any 1 bedrooms available. But $619 for a 2 bedroom, that's just a no brainer. Of course Mom is still conflicted. She kept coming up with reasons. "She can't afford it." Well, she can. All she has to do is quit gambling, and pay her rent instead, then she'll have plenty left over for food and anything else she'd need. "But wait, what about furniture?" Oh, well there's the old couch and everything I gave to George when he moved out. He's got it all in storage again, since Heather had already fully furnished their apartment. The tension in the house right now just seems enormous to me; that's my personal stake in it. But grandma will be happier too, having her autonomy back, her own place, her own kitchen again. Well, so far the jury's still out, we'll have to see what happens. All I can do is suggest.

In the meantime, my quest to crack Second Life continues. I haven't had much time to work on it. Yesterday I spent about two hours trying to get my clothes to fit. Finally I gave up and just went off to find some people. I tried the popular places list from the Dummies book. They were pretty deserted. I guess Saturday night PST is not the busy time. Or maybe it's because of daylight savings? I dunno. I'll try again at a different hour.

Oh well. Here's an extended sigh for the end of another weekend.

Oh My Heart

Friday

It's ironic that it's such a beautiful day outside, I don't have to put in overtime for the first time in 3 weeks, and all I can think about is getting out of the house so I can go sit in a Starbucks and look at my computer screen. Plus, Grandma was cooking something this morning that made the whole house stink. That's how things go.

I'm actually shopping in Second Life right now. My avatar needs new clothes. I never seem to have time to look for anything when I'm in SL, I usually just go to Sci. Fri. Island and listen to the discussion. But my goal for this weekend is to spiffy up my avatar and maybe go somewhere to hear live music, and meet some people. Shopping is fun here. Especially since I've been saving up my $L for months. And I don't have to try stuff on because no matter the size and shape of my avatar, the clothing will conform to me. Wouldn't that be cool in real life? Also, I just met a guy in the shop who only speaks Arabic. Random.

Saturday
Okay, I have to take back the bit about all the clothes fitting, and conforming to my avatar's size and shape. I tried some of the things on back in my Linden Home and the fit was not great. I figured out some of the items can be edited or resized. Options include length, higher/lower waist, tighter/looser fit and more. Though, once the garment has been adjusted as far as the designer specs allow, that's it. It still might not fit. I got a few items like this. I got this skirt that was adjustable but the bigger I made it to fit, the longer it got until it was too long. My feet barely stick out from the hem. Another problem with the skirt is that it doesn't allow sitting. In other words, it doesn't have flexibility built in. These are all things I never thought about before. I have to try to keep an eye out next time to find things which are editable, and flexible.

Since I haven't been able to figure these things out on my own, I got a book. "Second Life for Dummies." Hopefully it will have some hints to make it easier to get around and accomplish things. Otherwise I end up poring over the SL Wikis and maybe not even finding what I want. I think it's a language issue. There is some SL lingo that I haven't caught onto yet.

Anyway, I ended up going to Macy's to see if there was anything decent to get with the coupon that expires this weekend. I tried on everything in 3x straight off. It's official that most 2x don't really fit me anymore. At least in women's. I got the same sinking feeling of frustration I got when I was trying clothes on my avatar. I guess we really are alike. Even in the virtual world I get plenty of disappointment. I suppose it would be easy to correct. I could just make my avatar really hot and have her wear cool clothes. But that would feel like cheating and it's just not me. My aim has never been to escape. I'm just trying to find a connection. Same as in real life. But I want it to be with people who don't mind what I look like. Or at least, who don't judge me for it.

Speaking of connections, I've been thinking that it's nearly 10 years now since I first "met" everyone on the Semisonic message boards. Ten years is longer than I've known pretty much anyone I didn't go to high school with. It seems that most people just kind of wander into my life for a year or two, and then wander right back out. And some of the semi folks have been like that too. There are only a few I still hear from. Jules, Mandy, but most constant is Jazzie. She's really become a good friend. And occasionally Skip. But not really. I just sort of want him to still be there. Even if I don't hear from him, I don't want it confirmed that he's wandered off. I don't think my heart could take it.

In the meantime, Benrik have created an iPhone app called the Situationist. It basically lets you know if there is a fellow Benrikian nearby and if they are using the app it sends them a message that they should find you and perform one of the random acts you have sanctioned in the app. Things like "Hug me for 5 seconds exactly," or "Wave at me like a long lost friend." It seems there isn't much chance of me ever encountering one of these situations. One because there aren't any other Benrikians here in Vegas as far as I know. And Two, even if there were, they'd have to be nearby, and using the app. Highly unlikely. But it's made me wonder how things are going over in Benrikland. I haven't stopped in there in at least a year, maybe two. There are probably a load of new people. And who knows if any of those people I knew are active any longer. I have some of them as Facebook friends, so I occasionally see what they are up to. But that's about it.

Well, it's Saturday night now, and I'm not at all sure another search for signs of other SL residents would bear fruit. I may just skip it and go to bed. The clocks spring forward tonight already, so I've already lost an hour. And I've read none of the things I meant to read. I've got a nice little pile of comics from visits to Ralph's store. But maybe I can get through one if I start...right...now!

A Bad Dream

In the last couple of weeks I've been having some bad dreams. On the bus one morning I dreamt I was driving with a blindfold on and couldn't remove it in time to stop myself from driving off into the railing. I woke up with a start; actually uttered a little scream as I realized where I was: on the bus with my sleep mask on.

Another night I woke up in my bed screaming and actually kicking out at what I felt to be a presence in my room. I remember seeing a large man in a plaid shirt, like the guy on the Brawny paper towels package. I had the feeling I had left a door unlocked and that the intruder somehow immediately knew to come kill me first. I yelled and kicked out, and after waking up I stared into the dark for several minutes not sure if I could still see a face or not. It was more scared than I can remember being for some time.

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